the thing about life

On January 26th, I wrote in my notebook, “I’ve been feeling cranky for the last few days and did not realize why I was feeling cranky until I wrote.”

* * *

If I do not write, I do not know what I’m thinking/feeling. Just like yoga connects “me” to my body, so writing connects me to my thoughts/feelings, or what I refer to as sentipensante, a word I discovered when I read Eduardo Galeano’s  The Book of Embraces.

Sentipensante reminds me of where I have roots since, according to Galeano, the word comes from Colombia. The word reminds me that separation is an illusion. There is no separation from my personal life or my private life. There is no separation from my mind and body, or from my thoughts and feelings.

At some point I learned to divide myself, compartmentalize myself. Now I am unlearning this bad education, this lie. And this new learning, this new education influences my language, which is why I now use the word sentipensante, a word that has nothing to do with lies and everything to do with truth.

* * *

But I did not intend to tell you about why I write or about the word sentipensante. My intention was to tell you why I’ve been feeling cranky. One reason is death. To use David Shields title “The Thing About Life is that One Day You’ll Be Dead.” This is a fact. A fact that I suppose most of us do not like to think about.

* * *

I have a poster of this David Shields book. The poster is big and bright blue and in white letters reads “The Thing About Life is that One Day You’ll Be Dead.” I keep it in my room. Most days I read those words.

My friend who works at a local independent bookstore in Pasadena gave me the poster. The bookstore had the poster for promotional purposes.

* * *
My friend surprised me with the giant poster the day I attended a reading at the bookstore. The day she gave me the poster David Sedaris was reading essays from his book “When You are Engulfed in Flames.” The day she gave me the poster was also the day that my half-brother’s mother suddenly died. My brother texted me that his mother died, and I immediately left the bookstore, holding a giant poster that read “The Thing About Life is that One Day You’ll Be Dead.”

I think my friend felt bad that of all days she chose that day to surprise me with the poster. But she didn’t know. She couldn’t have known. We had no idea that my brother’s mother was going to die that Sunday afternoon.

* * *

There are certain moments that remind us of the fact that we will one day die.

I started writing this essay (if that’s what this is) on January twenty-sixth. Today is February second. My second cousin died today. I received a text message from my sister telling me she died.

Apparently, my sister and brother both choose to communicate news about death through text messages, a form I would not choose. Although, that is besides the point.

* * *

On January twenty-second, my second cousin was found lying unconscious in her home in Buffalo, New York. She had been lying unconscious for three days before someone found her. She may or may not have been found in a puddle of blood. She may or may not have been found lying in her vomit. These are things I’m not supposed to know. These are things I’m not supposed to tell you.

Her story is a story about loneliness, isolation. Her story causes me to ask, Who do we chose to accept? Who do we choose to reject? What happens when we have no community?

Without a community, you can have a stroke and lie on your living room floor, for days, still breathing.

Her sister who lives somewhere else had been trying to reach her for three days. Finally she asked the neighbor, who had a key, to check on her. And they found her unconscious on the floor.

* * *

My mother was very close to my second cousin. My second cousin was sixty-two. My mother is sixty-two. My mother feels both grief and fear. There are certain moments that remind you of the fact, the fact we do not much like to think about.

* * *

On January twenty-sixth, I thought about my second cousin for the first time. I thought about what was happening. She was lying in a hospital bed, my mother told me, with tubes in her body.

My mother took a redeye flight from LAX to see her one last time. When my mother spoke to her, my second cousin cried. She began gasping for air.  The nurse told my mother to stop talking to my second cousin. The nurse said my mother was causing her too much excitement.

On January twenty-sixth, I started writing about what was happening. I started to realize that I felt something. Maybe I felt angry. Maybe I felt afraid. Maybe I felt both emotions simultaneously. Whatever I was feeling, it was why I’d been feeling cranky.

* * *

The thing about life is that one day you’ll be dead. It’s a fact and today I don’t much like the fact. It’s not that I want to live forever. It’s just that I don’t like the idea that you never know when.

You know the words that Joan Didion repeatedly wrote after the sudden loss of her husband.

Life changes in the instant.

The ordinary instant.

You may not know that she repeatedly wrote these words. I do. I do because I read “The Year of Magical Thinking,” three times.

* * *

My Craniosacral therapist who is also one of my yoga teachers told me that I have issues with control, which of course I already knew. What I did not know is how my body reacts to my control issues. She told me to notice what I do with my jaw throughout the day, so I started to pay attention to my jaw.

I clench my jaw. I clench my jaw whenever I am planning my day, whenever I feel like I am running out of time or my plans won’t pan out. At night, I clench and grind my teeth. My dentist tells me I will wear my teeth down. My dentist recommends I get a night guard.

* * *

I understand that the thing about life is that one day I’ll be dead. I just hate that I can’t plan my life around a specific day. Which instant, which ordinary instant, when and where. If I could just pencil that into my life planner. If I just knew on what day I’ll be dead, then—what?

I’d be happy?

Probably not.

I’d feel better about my death?

Unlikely.

* * *

During my sessions, my craniosacral  therapist holds my head in her palms and whispers, Let go.

When she tells me to let go, it doesn’t seem cheesy. It seems as though she actually feels all the tension and stress in my body, the tension and stress that I think is normal.

She whispers, Let go, and I try. I try to let go.

Because if I let go, maybe I’d feel happier more of the time. Maybe if I let go, I’d accept that one day I will die. Or maybe I’d stop grinding my teeth at night.
* * *

I know I’m holding on to something. I’m clinging to it, desperately. But I have no idea what that something is. How do you let go, if you don’t know what you’re holding onto?

* * *

I was writing about death. I was talking about my second cousin who died today and I feel angry and afraid because she died and her death caused me to think about my own death. I know I’m going to die but don’t know when.  So what can I do? I ask myself.

An Audre Lorde essay comes to mind. “The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action.” She wrote the essay less than two months after she found out she had breast cancer.

I will excerpt some of it here because some of her essay answers the question I asked myself.

“In becoming forcibly and essentially aware of my mortality, and of what I wished and wanted from my life, however short it might be, priorities and omissions became strongly etched in a merciless light, and what I most regretted were my silences. Of what had I ever been afraid? To question or to speak as I believed could have meant pain, or death. But we all hurt in so many different ways, all the time, and pain will either change or end. Death, on the other hand, is the final silence. And that might be coming quickly, now, without regard for whether I had ever spoken what needed to be said, or had only betrayed myself into small silence, while I planned someday to speak, or waited for someone else’s words. And I began to recognize a source of power within myself that comes from the knowledge that while it is more desirable not to be afraid, learning to put fear in perspective gave me great strength.

“I was going to die, if not sooner then later, whether or not I had ever spoken myself. My silence had not protected me. Your silence will not protect you. But for every real word spoken, for every attempt I had ever made to speak those truth for which I am still seeking, I had made contact with other women while we examined our words to fit a world in which we all believe, bridging our difference. And it was the concern and caring of all those women which gave me strength and enabled me to scrutinize the essentials of my living.”

* * *

She also writes in this essay, “…I am myself — a Black woman warrior poet doing my work — come to ask you,  are you doing yours?”

Am I doing my work?

At this moment I happen to be in a space called “Writers at Work.” The space is in a room on Hillhurst Avenue in Los Feliz, located above a “Hair Clinic.” I am sitting at a large desk (well, six folding tables lined side by side) with four other women. We are all writing and now I am looking at the women and listening to them and what I hear is the sound of four women writers doing their work.

Tonight I echo Audre Lorde.

Tonight I ask you, Are you doing your work?

* * *

In Joan Didion’s “The Year of Magical Thinking,” John Dunne says, “Why did I waste time on a piece about Natalie Wood.” Joan Didion writes, “It was not a question.” He said this in a taxi either three hours or twenty-seven hours before his death.

Don’t waste your time on a piece about Natalie Wood. Don’t waste your time. Do your work.

falling asleep to finally we are no one

In 2007, I used to fall asleep to Mum’s album “Finally We Are No One.” I loved that album and still do. I’m falling asleep to it tonight.

Here’s a song and video from the album that you can watch for the first time, or rewatch/revisit.

writing desk

In late Spring/early Summer of 2009, I decided I would write a book. I’ve been writing and thinking about what the book will be like.  What I realize is that the process of writing a book would take a lot of time and energy, especially because I want to write the best possible book that I can. I also realized that I did not feel like I could write such a book without guidance, without a mentor. I want to say that  don’t think every writer needs a mentor or needs to participate in writing workshops to write a book but I think I do.

I can only really talk about my own personal experience and personal writing process. And I will say that I have been part of creative writing workshops and I’ve worked one-on-one with published writers. I have found that, as a result of these workshops and independent studies, my writing has improved dramatically. The time, space, and relationship with other writers helped my writing a lot. Not only did these things help the final drafts but they help my writing process. I realized the importance of discipline and a writing community, among other things. I believe classes and community and teachers help anyone with what they are working on whether that be practicing yoga, meditating, playing baseball, studying feminism, etc.

So, do I think it’s necessary to have a writing mentor or to participate in writing workshops or to be part of an active writing community? Not necessary. Helpful.

I just got a job at an organization I very much love, which is great, but also, I recognize a danger exists in working at a job I love. The danger is I can easily start to put creative writing on the back burner. I’ve done that before and don’t want it to happen again. I wanted to join a creative writing workshop in order to make sure I had the time/space/guidance to complete my goal of writing my first book.

This week I am happy to say that  I will be attending my first creative writing workshop. The workshop is facilitated by a woman who I already greatly admire. She teaches Kundalini yoga, as well as creative writing at a university nearby. She’s a feminist and, in her life, she has been active in the community and nonprofit work. The workshop is actually focused on helping students write a book.

Because I’ll be writing and reading other writers work, I decided I needed to bring my desk from the basement back into my room. Here’s what my desk space looks like:

what i read in 2009

So I read a total of 29 books and these are the ones I want to tell you about:

Favorites

My favorite book this year was definitely Amy Fusselman’s 8. I read it twice and took it with me to my trip to Colombia and wrote about how much I love the book on The Rumpus. I recommended it to Ryan and his friend Katie read it. More about the memoir here: The Last Book I Loved

Another favorite of mine was Lynda Barry’s What It Is. I’m actually teaching a creative writing workshop for high school students in February and I’m using several writing exercise from this beautifully designed book. Definitely look at it. Lynda Barry is one of my favorite writers. Her book Cruddy is one of my favorite books of all time. I read this book in late 2006 or 2007. Seriously, I think I’ve done more reading since I graduated from UC Santa Cruz in Literature.

Also I reread my favorite book of 5th grade because it was Learning to Love You More exercise. I read Rolling Thunder, Hear My Cry. I liked the exercise, I liked the book. The exercise allows you to access who you once were when you were in 5th grade. At least, it did for me. I remembered things which I had forgotten. I also realized my favorite book in 5th grade is pretty amazing. 

Nonfiction Books

So some nonfiction books I read that I liked are:

1. June Jordan’s Some of us did not die, which is a collection of essay. I’ve never read anything by her before and I like it a lot. My friend Lalin sent the book to me for my twenty-fifth birthday.

2. Didion’s Fixed Ideas: America Since 9/11. I also reread The Year of  Magical Thinking. I’ve read that memoir three times now. I don’t usually reread books but I’ve reread several of Didion’s books. I love her a lot.

3. Tom Kealy’s The Creative Writing MFA Handbook: I recommend this to all individuals who are considering or applying to MFA programs. The book is so informative. It really helped me think about what I wanted and how to go about applying for grad schools.

4. Michelle Tea’s Valencia. I read this memoir by Michelle Tea, which helped me realized that I definitely want my life to be filled with adventure and community. I bought it on a whim, it was on sale at Skylight Books. This is the second book I’ve read by Michelle Tea and I definitely like her writing style and perspective.

The Influence of Bettina Aptheker

1.  Meena Heroine of Afghanistan and Gerda Lerner’s Fireweed. I found out about these books from Bettina Aptheker’s Introduction to Feminisms course, which are available on DVD for $20.

Meena Heroine of Afghanistan is the biography of Meena, who started The Revolutionary Association of the Women of Afghanistan (RAWA). She organized Afghan women to participate in social revolution during of time of political strife and repression. The book details her life, from early childhood to the end, she unfortunately was murdered.

Gerda Lerner’s Fireweed is a beautifully written memoir. I think the “Introduction” is one of my favorite pieces I’ve read. I like what she says about writing and memory. Read it online here: “Introduction”

2. Bernie Glassman’s Bearing Witness. I read about this book in 2007 when I was reading Bettina Aptheker’s memoir Intimate Politics. She mentions the book in her memoir when she distinguishes the fact that her memoir is an act of bearing witness, as opposed to confessing. I found a copy of the book at Against the Stream, which is a center where I meditate. They have a little library when people who meditate can borrow books.

3. I saw Bettina at a reading in UCLA sometime in late 2007 or early 2008. She gave me a list of Buddhist writers to read. One of which was Pema Chodron. This year I read Pema Chodron’s When Things Fall Apart

Buddhism

In 2009, I started meditating on a regular basis and as a result, I started to read some books about Buddhism. In addition to reading Pema Chordn and Bernie Glassman, I read Thich Nhat Hanh’s Power. I recently reread Power. I found both this books to be helpful and insightful.

Recommended Books

Ryan recommended Judy Budnitz’s Nice Big American Baby. I did not like the stories and they took me forever to read. I mean, the stories were OK. And there were great moments. But the narrator was usually distant, third person, and I call the stories “New York stories,” and what I mean by that is that the stories are really clean and tight and well edited and kind of cold but unique in their observations and detail. But I like stories that seem messy. I like stories where the narrator seems very close. I like stories told in the first person. Read this story collection and then read Amy Fusselman and you’ll see what I mean.

Ryan also recommended Junot Diaz’s Drown, which I liked very much and read very fast. This year, I’m going to read Junot Diaz’s The Brief Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao. Junot Diaz is such a good writer I find myself feeling jealous of his skills. And then I think oh no, that is not very cool. I should just be happy for him and for me that I get to read these stories.

Colin recommended Vonnegut’s Bluebeard. He said it was his favorite Vonnegut novel. It took me a day to read. I also read Breakfast of Champions. I liked that one better. That book is angry and I have to say that the best part of the novel, for me, was the middle, and I cannot say that about any other book I’ve read. I love how Vonnegut includes much information about minor characters. He definitely seems to be playing with how to tell a story and he seems pretty pissed about America. He seems to deal with his anger in the form of humor. Colin also recommended Lone Wolf and the Cub: The Bell Warden. I loved the illustrations and story. I want to read more of this series.

Random:

So the first book I read: Woody Guthrie’s Bound for Glory.

Almost Forgot:

Memory of Fire, Genesis by Eduardo Galeano. Finally finished this and can’t wait to read Faces and Masks. More about the trilogy to come…

The Believer Book of Writers Talking to Writers. I haven’t read a lot of interviews. It’s really interested to read about what writers have to say to one another and how they differ from each other. I recommend this book to all writers and all those who read a lot of writing.

Last Year

excited excited excited

So I just found out about this book: http://www.amazon.com/Reality-Hunger-Manifesto-David-Shields/dp/0307273539 (excuse the link to amazon)

David Shield’s Reality Hunger: A Manifesto.

Do you know why I’m so excited about this?

Because I read this: http://www.believermag.com/issues/200603/?read=article_shields in March 2006 and it changed my reading forever.

Let me put it this way. As you may or may not know I love (love love) Joan Didion’s writing.

It’s like my reading life can be summed up as: Before Joan Didion and After Joan Didion.

Her writing has affected me that much.

Guess how I found out about Joan Didion?

Guess?

That’s right. David Shield’s essay in “The Believer.” This essay was really influential to me. I mentioned the essay when I presented my prose poems as an undergrad at the UCSC Annual Literature Colloquium. I also recommended this essay to my friend who was a fellow 826 Valencia Intern. I recommended it to him because he was teaching a creative writing workshop where students wrote their very own manifesto. I took this essay with me to used  bookshops and tried to find all the books he mentioned. Just talking about this essay makes me want to take that issue of “The Believer” from off my bookshelf, reread it, and recommit to reading all the books he mentions.

And now it would seem he has come out with a book that has the same title as this essay. It comes out Februrary 23rd! Is it February 23rd yet? Any one have the galley that they want to lend me???

new years and books

This blog entry will be, for the most part, brief since I have to work.

2010 Reading Goals

In 2009, I read (approximately) 32 books. More on that later. I spent my New Years in Colombia and arrived in California two days ago. I did not make any resolutions (as of yet) but I did realize that:

1. I want to read a lot of books written by Latin American writers, whether they be from Latin American or born elsewhere, does not matter. I have not heard enough voices from Latin America. I want to read books that focus on history, myth, fiction, nonfiction, anything really. I want to read in both Spanish and English.

2. I also want to read books/stories recommended to me by Ryan Pittington

3. Books written by women or feminists.

That’s my basic goal for  2010 reading. So ideally Ryan would recommend me books written by Latin American feminists.

January 2010: What I’m Reading

“Guia Para Viajeros”

I found the book in a bookstore in the airport in Bogotá. I looked at the cover and opened the book and knew I would love the stories. It reminded me of Eduardo Galeano’s “Book of Embraces.”

I started reading the book at the airport and on the plane back to the states.

The book is pretty difficult to read. I have to look up a lot of words but it’s worth it. The stories are beautiful.

“Genesis: Faces and Masks”

Eduardo Galeano, one of my favorite writers of all time, wrote a trilogy. I (finally) finished the first part of the trilogy in Colombia. Now I’m on the second one! The trilogy is amazing. AMAZING. More on that later.

“Mirrors”

Eduardo Galeano’s most recent published book. I bought this the day after Christmas with a gift card a family friend gave me. The gift card was to an independent bookstore because yes, I support local independent bookstores.

“La Casa en Mango Street”

I’m reading “House on Mango Street” in Spanish because Ryan had the book in Spanish and lent it to me. It’s a good way to build my Spanish vocabulary since the narrator is a child. The language is not as complex as “Guia para viajeros”

Tin House: 10th Anniversary Edition

Ryan sent me a copy of this http://www.tinhouse.com/mag/issue40/mag_current_cover.htm He’s encouraging me to read more literary magazines and he sends me issues that he’s already read and highlights stories I should focus on. Such a good friend.

“The Brief Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao”

Ryan also sent me my very own copy of this book. It’s one of his favorites. I’m gonna read it.

“Shoplifting from American Apparel”

Ryan gave me this book for Christmas! So I’m gonna read it.

women talking about sex

short documentary about Lorelei Lee: Lorelei Lee.

TED talk: Mary Roach’s “10 Things You didn’t know about orgasms” http://www.ted.com/talks/mary_roach_10_things_you_didn_t_know_about_orgasm.html

crafts and christmas, part 1

This is the second year in a row that I made all (most) of my gifts. The ones I didn’t make were books that I bought at a local independent bookstore. Last year I made stationary for folks. This year I practiced stitching chapbooks. I used mainly paint pens, paper, images from books, and things like needles and thread. I didn’t take pictures of all my gifts. Only a few.

A gift for my father:

I made my dad a card. The card has images from an Edward Hopper book. I chose images that focused on train tracks because he has a thing for train tracks and trains, and so do I. I inherited likings for things such as trains and rivers (books and music) from my father. The magenta paper I used was paper that I found in the garage with all his really old teaching materials. So this paper (and I’m not exagerrating) is probably from the 1970’s. Since the paper is not all that sturdy, I pasted thicker black paper to ensure that the card/book would not fall apart.

A gift for my sister:

I stitched a blank notebook for my sister. The pictures aren’t all that great…

A gift for Lalin

I decorated a blank moleskine notebook for Lalin. She’s visiting from the Bay and I got to see her twice! I used paint pens to decorate the front, back, and spine. On the front, you’ll notice my signature bird, and, on the back, my signature tree. OK. So my drawing skills are limited to birds, balloons, trees, and leaves.

Eco Friendly Wrapping Paper (grocery bags and pens)

feminism and news

Please read this short article: http://www.feministing.com/archives/019430.html.

Here’s a quote:

That’s right. We live in a world in which animals are eligable to win “Female Athlete of the Year” from one of the most important global news agencies. That’s some shameful stuff. And for the record, none of the male atheltes of the year were anything but human.

space

A recent conversation:

Me: Space is always a big issue at nonprofits.

Him: Is it?

Me: Well, I don’t know. (looking off to the side) Perhaps space is a big issue everywhere.

A few months ago, Lalin suggested that I create a special space in my room. So I did. Because I like Lalin and her suggestions.

So the yoga mat is to sit on and practice morning meditation, which, in all honesty, I have not done for a while. I was doing this eleven minute Ayurveda meditation for about two weeks but then broke my phone, which was keeping time, and never got back into it. This particular yoga mat happened to be given to me by a news anchor at the end of a Friday morning shift. He had been given a yoga mat by a guest on the show and asked if I wanted it. I had not started practicing yoga but wanted to, so I said yes.

This was when I was working in the Financial District of San Francisco. Most mornings, I would try to pause and look out the huge window on the fourth floor. I’d see the Bay Bridge and the sun rising. Then I would race away to sort news scripts or find a video file or run the teleprompter. I still have the yoga mat and use it in my room for my personal yoga and meditation practice.

Then, in my special space, I added green and pink Japanese hand made paper because I love handmade paper and I happen to like the colors pink and green.

I added three personal items I like.

1. The one to the left is a Frida Kahlo painting, which I saw at an exhibition at the SF MOMA in then summer of 2008. I went with two very special people, my friend Ryan and Jake. One of the paintings I saw and felt emotionally drawn was “Mi vestido cuelga ahi” Here’s a larger picture of the painting.

I think the painting reminded me of my experience in San Francisco. I think the painting, for me, functions as a way to remind me of what I want and where I’m from.

2. I placed a beautiful bowl that was given to me a few years ago. I like that I have something circular in my special space. Earlier this year, I used the bowl to placed special oils for my healing, home made remedies.

3. The book jacket of 8, the last book I loved. This books reminds me the importance and power of the healing process, as well as the power of writing. I love what Amy Fusselman writes and how she writes what she has to say. This book, like the Frida painting, reminds me of what I want and where I’m from.

So that’s my special space (sacred space) I created in my room. It’s a quiet place where I can sit down. Oftentimes, I’m go go go — thinking about where I need to be and what I need to be doing. I realize that having this concrete location in the corner of my room acts as a gentle reminder to create a time to pause, to not get carried away, to stay in the present.

stitching books

learning to love you more, no. 59

An Interview with Rodrigo O’Rourke

For the learning to love you more, assignment 59, I decided to interview a close family friend, who chose to go by another name for purpose of this interview. Currently I live on the West Coast and this family friend lives on the East Coast. As a direct result of the distance between us, we conducted this interview through email. I asked him to tell me about one moment about his experience of returning home from Vietnam where he served as a Sergeant.

Zoe Ruiz: Tell me one story about your homecoming.

Rodrigo O’Rourke: After a brief stay with Jeannine’s parents, we rented a second floor flat in Seymour, CT. One evening in 1972 we watched the BBC production of Tolstoy’s War & Peace. We were at the part where Pierre, played by Anthony Hopkins, is reunited in Moscow with friends who presumed he had been killed.

At their insistence, Pierre tells how as a civilian he had been caught up in the Battle of Borodino, was later captured and nearly executed by the French, then forced to retreat with them through the snow and killing cold of the Russian winter. Fellow prisoners who couldn’t keep up were shot. He was rescued when Russian partisans attacked his convoy.

“Such savagery! What you’ve been through!” Princess Maria empathizes.

“Well, it’s curious,” Pierre replies thoughtfully. “It sounds awful and in its way it was awful, but I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.”

ZR: When you identified with Pierre, do you talk about how you felt an affinity with him, on the couch with Jeannine?

RO: Nothing in detail, except to tell Jeannine that I felt the same way he did about the experience of war.

ZR: Did you watch this film again?

RO: Yes. I bought the video cassette and have viewed it several times.

ZR: Did you find yourself thinking of this line again and again?

RO: No, not obsessively, only when the subject of what I thought about my war experience would come up, which has not been often over the years. Life goes on and most veterans get on with their lives, move on to other things. I’ve thought about it more recently because I’ve been writing about that part of my life.

ZR: Did you read Tolstoy’s book?

RO: Years ago, in high school, I think, I attempted it. I remember being very confused by all the characters with the Russian names, you know, like, you needed a score card to keep up. The book is over 1,000 pages and I never finished it. Unlike you and your father, I was never much of a reader, not much of a student either. I have recently read the book from the Battle of Borodino to the end which encompasses all of the “awful” experiences Pierre had and for me is the most profound part of the novel. With that, plus several viewings of the 12 – hour BBC production, I feel I have a good since of the book. By the way, Pierre of the movie doesn’t use the exact words of the Pierre of the book, possibly because the book takes a paragraph to say what the movie does in a sentence. But, not to worry, the sense of his quote is the same, no doubt shortened to meet the needs of the spoken as opposed to the written word. BBC productions do a great job a preserving the integrity of novels.

ZR: If you could answer the question: why wouldn’t you miss it for the world. This is a rather large question, I know. But I think it’s worth tackling for the sake of this vignette. Consider that this section ends with Pierre talking. It concludes with someone else’s thought. I want it to end with your thoughts because this is your story, which differs from his, and you are the authority of your own experience, especially when you are reconstructing your past in some sort of cohesive narrative, which you are now in the process of doing by writing about, as you said, that part of your life.

RO: I agree. I had intended to do just that but I had trouble thinking it through because it is a large question. It is for me the biggest question of them all. And so, between the time I sent you the last draft of the vignette and the time I got these questions from you, I started writing more after Pierre’s quote and finished tonight. By “finished” I mean that this is the best I can do answering this question at this time.

Here’s the addendum:

“Well, it’s curious,” Pierre replies thoughtfully. “It sounds awful, and in its way it was awful, but I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.”

Time stopped. The subsequent scenes of the production passed unnoticed as wave after wave of chills traveled from spine to mind that repeated “I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world,” like a phonograph needle stuck in the groove of an old record.

Pierre felt the same way about his experience with war as I did about mine! Although our wars were separated by time and space, we were connected by the kind of routine-breaking, life-defining, near-death struggle that made us feel that we had lived life.

Decades later I find myself looking back at my year in Vietnam as the most prominent reference point on my map. None of the other years, before or since, can match it. To be sure, some of it was ‘awful’, but even more awful for me would be to have missed it.

something i will make for you: no. 2

The second person to respond to my facebook note titled “something i will make for you” was Thomas King. You can view his writing here http://www.thomasjosephking.com/:

I met him in San Francisco when I was an 826 Valencia Intern and he was an 826 Valencia Volunteer and McSweeney’s Intern. Now he lives in Portland and I live in Los Angeles and  we never see each other. The end.

Wait no. We still kind of keep in touch. By kind of, I mean we are facebook friends, and he tells me when he’ll be in SF and I say, Maybe I can go! But so far, I have not been able to get up there. In any case, our friendship is defined by distance. So I made him the envelope below. Also, this envelope is made out of a 1967 California State textbook.

 

paper, pens, and paint, oh my!

I like making gifts, especially for people I love. I made my friend Ana a gift. Well, basically I decorated the front cover of two small moleskines because I know she takes notes. And by decorate, I mean I wrote words on the front cover with a paint pen. Then I decorated a blank pink card and put the card inside an envelope I made. Then decorated the envelopewith a paint pen.

(envelope before the black paint pen:)

support your local bookstore

If you’re in So Cal and like books, then support your independent bookstores. Here’s a current list of shops composed by nonprofit group “Future of Publishing Think Tank:” List of Independent Bookstores.

Currently I live in Eagle Rock and feel fortunate that IMIX is just down the street. IMIX is a treasure, a unique store, which makes me like LA, and I like to believe that IMIX could exist nowhere but here. I’m pretty sure that they are struggling, so I encourage you, if you happen to be on the East Side, to check out this bookstore.

They’re having an event this Sunday from 11 am-7pm with various artwork from local artists. If you’ve never been to IMIX or haven’t been for a while, then Sunday is the day to stop by and show your support.

You’ll find books with a political bent, books written by Latino writers. You’ll find awesome clothing, crafts, like handmade gloves, jewelry, purses, and wallets.

coffee, music, crafts

Coffee

For the last couple of weeks, I’ve been having intense pain in my left shoulder. It’s a pain that kicks up when I walk around with my bag (filled with books and laptop) everywhere and when I’m feeling stressed but not really talking about feeling stressed. I felt tired but I had a lot of work to do so I drank more coffee to make up for it. Yesterday I saw a woman in Los Feliz who helped work on my shoulder for a good half hour, if not longer. Afterwards she asked how I felt and she said I seemed better. She said when I first came in my energy was frenetic. I felt bad about that. I thought about how I was probably making people all around me uncomfortable with my frenetic energy. At some point, I thought to tell her I was addicted to coffee. Maybe I thought then the frenetic energy had less to do with me and more to do with coffee.

She looked at me. Oh, that makes sense, she said.

I didn’t think she would try and persuade me to stop drinking coffee but she did. She said there’s something in coffee the stimulates the nervous system and if I have any pain, coffee will actually aggravate it. She advised me to drink black tea. She said, Nothing is wrong with caffeine. Caffeine is fine.

After our session, I felt dazed and relaxed and drove to a cafe and ordered a cup of coffee. I thought it was what I wanted but I took a couple of sips and realized I was wrong.

***

She described my energy as frenetic, I told my friend. We were talking on the phone. He was outside a cafe in lower Haight and I was walking to a cafe in LA. I told him, I felt ashamed about that.

Why? I take that as a complement. It means you have a lot going on. I always think why is one better than the other?

***

I went inside the cafe. The guy working looked at me and said, For here or to go. I held the tea list in my hand.

You’re having tea?!

It was suggested to me that I start drinking tea.

Then I went on and on about how I was had shoulder pain and how apparently coffee makes it worse but I love the taste of coffee.

He listened. You love the taste of coffee and the cracked out feeling you get?

I nodded.

Then he told me how he had been addicted to espresso and developed an ulcer (I interrupted to say, oh yeah. I got one of those! as if it were a really cool product. (I developed an ulcer when I was seventeen because I was stressed with school and drank of lot of coke and espresso and ate crappy)). Then he started drinking tea and now at the cafe, he just drinks water all day long.

I found myself looking at his skin complexion and thinking it looked hydrated.

***

Last night I meditated at Against the Steam. It was really difficult. I kept thinking how I really wanted the 1/2 hour to be over. I wondered how many more minutes. I wondered if I’d make it. I wanted to open my eyes and sigh really loudly. Maybe check the time. Then I wondered why I even meditate to begin with, if it’s no fun and felt like torture.

Then I realized I was thinking ahead and what I needed to do was just focus on the present, which I apparently found difficult last night. So I just kept breathing in and out and on each inhale and exhale, I repeated the word “Now,” which helped.

After we meditated for half hour, Mary talked about restlessness. What she talked about seemed to apply very much to my life and I told her afterward I felt really grateful for her talk because I’ve been feeling restless.

***

I have the morning off so I woke up at 7:30 and took a shower and walked down to the cafe with my dog and ordered a medium cup of coffee because I figure I’ll drink a cup in the morning. I started thinking about how I was drinking at least 3-4 cups of coffee daily, and sometimes I drank a couple of shots of espresso. I’ve started to drink a bit more coffee since I started working at a cafe on the Westside. I feel restless when there are no customers and the espresso and coffee is there, so I practice pulling shots, I refill my coffee, my shoulder starts to hurt, etc.

***

Music

This Monday I pretended I was my friend, I was on the guest list, I forgot my ID, I switched purses and I got into a sold out show for free.  My friend was backstage and I was early. I realized that I’ve become comfortable with being alone and it was a nice realization. There was a time, not too long ago, that I’d feel really nervous and uncomfortable standing alone at a show. But now I kind of dig it.  At some point, I started talking to someone who happened to work with sound up in the balcony in a roped off area, which is where I spent most of my time and that was nice since the Mayan became crowded later in the evening.

The sold out show featured L@s Cafeter@s who I love.

Find out more about them here: http://www.myspace.com/sonlascafeteras

The last band was Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes who I also like very much. I tried to see them play at a free show at the Hammer Museum earlier this year but I arrived too late. The parking structure was full and there was line of people around the block. I drove home and felt very disappointed. I first heard about Edward Sharpe from KCRW’s Morning Becomes Eclectic.

I’m still listening to Juana Molina. The song I’m in love with right now is Dar (Que Dificil)

Maybe you could describe the energy of that song frenetic?

***

Crafts
I decorated my notebook with a paint pen.

I’ve been making envelopes as well and I need to make some right now because I need to complete an order by later this afternoon.

music, books, essay, events,

music

I’ve been listening to a lot of Juana Molina again, which means that while I’m driving, I am also singing in Spanish and making funny sounds with my voice.  I recently purchased her album “Un Dia” one morning and now it’s playing in my car and “El Vestido” is the song that I find myself listening to over and over.

books

I’m rereading Thich Nhat Hanh’s “The Art of Power.”  I realize that if you read this book at work, your boss may get a little worried, which is a bit beside the point but amusing nonetheless. The book applies Buddhism to the concept of power.  I find the book to be very grounding. I practice meditation and the book inspires me to practice daily. I also think that soon I will informally lead some meditation sessions with a couple of friends. Before I do so, I will probably ask advice from people who teach meditation.

I’m also rereading “Play It As It Lays” because I’m writing an essay on Maria Wyeth. The essay is taking longer than I expected and maybe I’m a little scared to finish it. So now instead of writing the essay, I’m rereading the novel. Today at my writing session, I mostly read. Then I got a headache. My friend gave me tylenol and I took three. Then I felt lightheaded and thought I could  fall asleep at the table. In fact, my white macbook seemed like a nice pillow and while she talked, I put my head down on the keyboard and looked at her. I thought a mocha would help but it didn’t. I pretended like it did help and continued to read. I kept trying to concentrate on the language in “Play It As It Lays” but just felt lightheaded. I shut my book, I told my friend I had to go home. She invited me to go shopping with her for pillows. She needed pillows because one of her cats peed on them.  I showed her Miranda July’s pillows and suggested she maybe make pillows, which she did! She went home and made pillows and I went home and fell into a deep sleep.

I have no idea why my body was freaking out but I decided to make some tea from recipes in “Women’s Power to Heal.” I drank some triphala tea and then made some envelopes. Right now I just finished turmeric tea. I basically boil a cup of water in a pan and once it’s boiling I add 1/2 a teaspoon (which is a five finger pinch) of either triphala or turmeric. Then I cover the pot, allow the water and the herb to simmer for five minutes. Then I used a strainer as I pour the tea in the cup. I often add honey because the herbs tend to have powerful taste which I have yet to find pleasant. They’re growing on me though.

essay

I just read this and like it a lot. You should read it too: http://adrienneskyeroberts.blogspot.com/2009/02/longed-for-bed-which-i-enter-gratefully.html

la book events

mcsweeney’s just come out with their new issue, a newspaper! Read what Dave Eggers had to say about print journalism this summer: http://www.salon.com/books/int/2009/07/16/dave_eggers/index.html If you’re in Los Angeles, you can reserve a copy and pick it up on December 12th at 826LA’s Travel Mart. http://www.eventbrite.com/event/511095701,

team colin

This afternoon I attended UCLA Department of Theater’s “MFA 1st-Year Acting and Directing Project 1″ to see my friend Colin act. I went with his wife Cecilia who is also my good friend. Before the show, Cecilia and I made t-shirts expressing that we support him.

detail

The three of us are friends and fans of one another. Colin and Cecilia plan to make “Team Zoe” shirts and Colin and I plan to make “Team Cecilia” shirts. I imagine they will wear the shirt when I stand on a stage and read my writing. And I imagine Colin and I will wear our “Team Cecilia” shirts when she performs her one-woman show. We are in our midtwenties and we are pursuing our dreams, whatever that means, and we live in Los Angeles.

We thought of the Team tshirts while we were grabbing a cup of coffee on Hollywood Boulevard. We were waiting for a show to start at the Knitting Factory. Our friend who also had once lived in Santa Cruz but now lived in the desert was performing with his band. We were waiting and we were smack in the center of Hollywood which is much too bright and dirty for my taste. There are stars on the sidewalk and the Chinese Mann theater is too close for comfort and we had all lived in a small city, where the forest and beach were close and that place was Santa Cruz and Santa Cruz seemed far away.

The first time I met Colin, the three of us stood on Front Street in Downtown Santa Cruz. I happened to be standing underneath a cherry blossom tree that was in full bloom. I looked up and said, I Iove these blossoms. So he shook the tiny trunk and blossoms fell all around me. I looked down at the falling blossoms and some got stuck in my hair and I smiled and Cecilia smiled, too and he kept shaking the tree.

Now we all live in Los Angeles and like I said we are pursuing our dreams, whatever that may mean. Of course it’s a hard time for dreamers, maybe it always has been, and in Los Angeles, maybe dreamers have a harder time. So it’s good to live in this city and have friends who dream and act on their dreams. It’s good to have friends who sit in the center of dirty, bright Hollywood and agree to make tshirts that say “Team Zoe” or “Team Colin” or “Team Cecilia,” who agree to wear these shirts during moments when support is much needed. I like these shirts because what they are saying is, I like your dreams. I like you. I believe in you.

happy birthday Laura

something i will make for you

Inspiration

Erica Gillingham (http://highwaysandanchors.blogspot.com/) inspired me to do a creative project titled “something I will make you.” Earlier this year, she wrote a facebook note. She said she would make something for the first five people who responded. I was one of the fortunate five. This summer I received a chapbook that I like a lot.

Digression: Ryan

When I first received the package, I did not open it. Then I received another package from Ryan and did not open it. Ryan called, asking if I had received his package, and I told him that I was not opening packages because I felt like I did not deserve them. What can I say. It was a strange summer. He told me to open them. Ryan’s a good friend, one of my best friends. Recently Ryan sent me another package and I opened it right away. These were the contents:

Score! I’m a so excited to read these. Also, Ryan sent me these because he knows I really really want to read them, which is so thoughtful. I’m lucky I know Ryan and if you know him, then you’re lucky too. Of course, if you know him, then you already know that.

something i will make you: part 1

So I wrote a facebook note quite similar to Erica’s, inspired by her, and Christina Galante, 826LA Retail and Store Manager, was the first person to respond. If you do not know about the 826LA Time Travel Store, then you should go here: http://826la.org/store/. I met Christina because I am an 826LA volunteer. I remember her being interested in finding an affordable place to practice yoga on the East side, so I figured I’d make her something that had to do yoga. I ended up making her a little note card.